Tuesday, November 06, 2012

I've missed the One.

Kind of a rough season. Not because I am not blessed.  Mainly because I am not thankful enough that I am blessed. Always a head game with us ladies.

I miss my time with Jesus. Even for those of you who don't personally have a relationship with Him, you can imagine that the Jesus of the Bible is someone really cool to know and be loved by (even if you don't like some of his claim-to-be followers)(oh, and you are deeply loved by Him).  I truly had such a sweet/redeeming/all-encompassing relationship with God for a few years.  It was my foundation. It drove me to volunteer, to give freely, to love at all hours, to return phone calls and prayer requests at any time, to pay for people's rent, to keep my heart and wallet and most importantly, my time, open to anyone Jesus put in my path.

Because truly, that is what and who a Jesus follower is: one who will answer God's call at ANY second.  Anywhere, anytime, anyone.

I had the time of my life spending hours upon hours with my Little. She has changed my life. Like no one else. I dream of being like her. And she is 17. And I met her because I was following Jesus and he truly led me to that organization and then gave me her to be one of my dearest and most admired friends for my whole life. We have known each for almost five years!  And she is now the most servant-hearted girl I know. It puzzles her deeply that more high schoolers do not want to serve others.

Read more about/and from her, here

All because-I was available to whatever Jesus had for me.

And then he led me to volunteer with Children's Cancer Association. I met an amazing young girl named Caitlyn and spent time with her until her cancer went into remission (sadly it is back again-for the 4th time). After her I was partnered with a spunky life-giver, Lesly.  

Because-I was available to whatever Jesus had for me.

Lesly stole my heart. We spent a year together: having sleepovers (both of the Lesleys), taking her school shopping, going to the movies and dancing like we were crazy girls up and down the aisles, reading Narnia to her when she was on morphine, having her call me "Ginormica" from Monsters versus Aliens (she swore I looked like the girl in it-I just needed the shiny black unitard), visiting her in the hospital during chemo rounds, hanging out with her parents and watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua, doing anything and everything with the color pink, going on long drives so she could rock out to Miley Cyrus, taking her to OMSI, pushing her around her neighborhood in her wheelchair, and crying when she would yell at me because she was so worn out from it all.  She became one of my dearest friends. She was 9. 

And my heart tore, was broken, and felt pulled out when she passed away 2.5 years ago.  

Because-I was available to whatever Jesus had for me.

I MISS this.  I don't even know how to get back there. Life is so different now and I so want my daughter to know her mother as one who was always serving and loving others. But I need Jesus to do any of this. And I miss Him. I miss Him more than I miss my time with my husband.  This has been such a hard season, exacerbated by lack of sleep, but essentially driven by my lack of time to know God's heart for my life and for others.

So pray for me friends. I need a refueling by my Maker. The only one who we can truly serve with our whole lives: and in giving him everything, we get a life to the n-th degree.

I am missing the "n-th." And I have known it-it is insanely beyond awesome.

Love, Anna N


  1. My dear sister, I am sorry you are grieving this loss of feeling the deep connection with the Lover of your soul. But can I tell you, in an attempt to not sound trite or overly pious, that you are growing beyond those initial thrilling experiences of service? It is WONDERFUL when life allows you to have those kind of service opportunities, when your time, your income and your emotions are so ready to be poured out. But most of life just isn't like that. You are now a wife and a mom. The service looks different, but the opportunity to experience Jesus in a vital way is still there. He will show you as you trust Him in the darkness. He will grow you BIGGER lil' momma into a deeper woman, a greater witness and a clearer reflection of our Lord. So take heart, it may seem like you are missing something but I do believe you are just moving into something greater. And everything that is worth anything comes at a cost. I pray you can see His hand at work and be encouraged in the journey. In my own walk with Jesus I look back at seasons like the one you're in and see how much growth was going on that I didn't even realize. He will never leave you or forsake you. As much as you loved that thrilling ride with Him, He loved it MORE... He wants MORE... so hang on!! :)

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  3. I understand this too. My time at the Food Bank has been nil and it fed my heart to help those who were hungry. I must work to find the time again. Time in a busy life. Sigh.

    I can understand your missing.

    Would you consider this for me though...you and your baby girl are one on one so that you can teach her how to be open and available like you were. That's a pretty big job. One that takes a lot of time. So while you may be missing from some other things at the moment, she is not missing out on the valuable lessons you get to teach her and those who see you interact with her.

    I say this only so you don't feel any sort of guilt for the missing. Because the Lord (and I ) knows that you've done so much.

    But I do truly understand the need to seek those situations out. I am on my own search at the moment...again!


Thanks for stopping by! xoxo, A momma and her baby (babies!)