To be love.

Oh the cost of love. It is beautiful but at its best and in its absolute most-inclusive definition, it is sacrifice. It is step-over-yourself, give yourself entirely, and then be willing to give a little bit more.  It is Jesus. It is how as a mom I have the smallest glimpse into what it must have been for Him to say that we were all worth His death (even though he was blameless...alas, I am soooooooSOOOOO not).

It's Jesus' last words on the cross, "'Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.' When he had said that, he breathed his last." Luke 23:46

I have been awful at giving up every last ounce of myself like Jesus did.  Especially without complaining.  It is a struggle to everyday choose to put another above myself, even my very own daughter. I get impatient, upset (she is a very, very strong little girl), worn-out/exhausted, and yet I know that children are a joy from the LORD and He knows I am the best mother for her.

It is still hard.  Our little girl has had a cold for two weeks, then a fever started yesterday, she awoke screaming in the middle of the night with her body going into convulsions every five seconds, we rushed her to the ER, found out she was okay (just a body's response to fever), found out she had an ear infection (took her in Monday thinking she had one but it was yet to come), then got her home and back in bed at 4am. Oh, and I didn't mention she has been constipated for three weeks, which is now figured out, and she has gotten four teeth in the last three weeks :)

And she is more than worth it. She is worth the end of myself (and my poor dear husband who gets up at 4:45 every morning). She is worth me being love-and the best, most holistic kind of love.

She is my agape.  

The Greeks had it right when they had four words for love. We seem to think one word can define me loving a french fry and me loving our daughter.  I think I side with the Greek language here.  

Agape is the most powerful.
  
It is the love that is selfless, unconditional and sacrificial.

It is Jesus. It is how we/I can be like him.

So thank you God for creating our perfect little girl-giving me a chance to have the slightest glimpse into how you could offer yourself as a sacrifice for all of mankind. 

She delights our souls.  She is a world-changer, I have that promise.  She will bring love to thousands and my death is worth it if she only brought your love to one.

Love Letter to the Ladies

Dear lovelies:

This is my love letter to all of you. I want and know in my heart that some of you need to hear part of my story.  It is not one of tragedy by any stretch but it is laced with choices that were not wise and were compounded with an insatiable desire to be known.

If you are woman, you know what I am talking about.

We all want to be known.  And sadly, nearly all of us at one point were/are willing to do just about anything to be known, if even being "known"is only for a few minutes, hours, days, etc.  I had that desire from the time I was about 17 to about 27-a decade of my life filled with my soul on the altar of being desired.

Some of my dearest friends know some of my stories.  I won't go into a ton of detail but let's just say there were many nights where I don't remember how I got to where I was, many mornings where I didn't know who I had hung out with the night before, YEARS of staring at my phone/computer waiting for one person or another to call/text/etc/acknowledge me, times of driving under the influence that I don't even remember, etc.

I was telling one of my amazing girlfriends some of these stories.  She has a crazy story and a ton of brokenness from her father and her life growing up.  We were talking about how I felt like I had a hedge of protection around me for all those years.  Because, the interesting thing about my story is: that I somehow remained a virgin until I was married (any of my friends who were with me during this period of time would say aside from the mighty hand of God that would've been impossible-I mean IMPOSSIBLE), never got arrested, never got pursued by the men that I wanted to be pursued by (until my husband), and literally made it through ten straining years somewhat unscathed.

This same girlfriend recently went through a crazy experience where someone she knew ended up taking their own life and all of this stuff came out after (laden with nothing good: I mean affairs, multiple partners within two marriages, affairs with men/women, etc). She could never figure out why this one particular guy would never really pursue her, especially physically. He pursued everyone else and seemed to always keep her at arms distance in a quite respectful way. And trust me, this friend of mine is drop-dead-gorgeous and she could literally get asked out ten times a day.

It was after she was telling me this whilst sitting on my couch that she with tears said, "I know now exactly what you were talking about when you said there was a hedge of protection around you. Could you have imagined my life if I would've gotten involved with him?"

So please-I write you because I don't want ANY of you to pine after someone/something that God did not intend for you.  It will destroy you in many instances and you will be left striving for your value not from your Maker but from another broken person.  You will forget, quite easily, that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.  Satan tends to be an expert at telling lies regarding such.

Stop waiting for that boy to text or call.  Stop trying to get drunk just to get the nerves to act a little bit "looser" so maybe more boys will pay attention.  Stop saying to yourself, "if just this guy liked me."

I did all of this. This is from my heart.

And start living. Pick up a Bible and learn who Jesus is and why you are fearfully and wonderfully made.  Volunteer.  A lot (one of the best seasons of my life).  Serve others.  Really start thinking about the purpose for this life and realize in that, who God made you to be and how much you are cherished.

And don't be me in the "lost" decade.  God had SO MUCH GRACE on me and not only did I get an amazing husband, I also got a beautiful daughter who's soul just delights anyone around her.  My heart also can now soar because, "she who has been forgiven much, loves much."  And because I know that grace was poured out on me, it helps me to realize the beauty of what can be and what often really is all around us.

So again, please don't use alcohol to lose yourself (because yourself is pretty awesome), please don't throw yourself at boys because I promise you...only ONE is worth your heart and I doubt it is the same one you will throw yourself at, and please, don't have a lost decade like I did.

I love you.  I really do.  And if you are local-I like coffee dates and hearing peoples' stories.  My schedule is just a little cray-cray these days :)

Love, Anna N

Oh, and here is a post from awhile ago on "waiting."

The end of one's self

Do you know how hard it is to die to yourself?  Impossibly difficult.  I mean seriously.  I have a fresh perspective.  I now, through having a baby, realize who Jesus really is and what "death to self" actually means.  And it took all of me to realize it.

We think marriage does that.  Yes, there are hard days, but most of us dressed up in a gorgeous dress, got a pretty ring, and have a few disagreements and moments where we surrender even if we are right and choose the way together, not our own way (for the record, my husband is nearly always right, I learned this early).  But for the most part, you mainly get glimpses and not the full reality...until being a mom comes into the picture.  

If you don't know Him and are a mom, here is a quick connection you now have:  Jesus was God incarnate (meaning the last thing He ever needed to do was to become human, mortal and be beat up, abused, scoffed/mocked, spat upon, etc).  He chose to die for us because of the joy that was set before Him in being able to make us right with God (we are all sinners...well at least I haven't met a perfect person yet:)). And this is where the mom thing comes in:

It is the GREATEST thing in the world. But also the HARDEST.  Truly, in order to be great at it, you have to die to any desires you have and pour EVERYTHING into it. EVERYTHING.  I remember going through labor thinking, "This is the only thing in life I cannot quit."  If you have been through labor (and I was induced...icky), you know what I mean.  It is the worst pain in the world and there is no going back. At all. It's not like you can just say, "I will wait til' tomorrow, k?"

That's Jesus.  He knew the pain He would suffer but knew we were worth it.  WORTH everything. Worth life.

This is how I feel about my daughter.  She cried for two straight hours last night and I was beat.  On the floor crying actually because I had no idea what else to do.  So I started singing, worship music.  She fell asleep.

I died to myself, once again, and her beauty and rest arose from it. Just like what happens when we realize that Jesus alone is the one who died for us and loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. 

It was the end of Himself that led to the abundance we get to live.  And I pray I am the exact same for my daughter. Our daughter. Our beautiful promise of a little girl.  

Ruth Charlotte, you rock. And I promise to continually put you above myself.

I love you, baby girl.  And Jesus loves you more (it seems impossible but I know it to be true).

And to the darling girl in Georgia who emailed me, you blessed my heart beyond measure.  Oh how the God of the universe spoke to me through the encouragement of a 22 year old :)  

Love, Anna N

A beautiful life.

This is a little (but long) post about waiting, beautiful things, great people and amazing grace. 

Why am I posting about this now? 

Answer: I want our daughter (if this is a girl), to marry a man just like her father.  And if we have a son, I want our son to be just like my husband.  Entirely.

Beautiful. Life.


Dear Ladies in waiting:

This has so been on my heart recently.  You see, I had the most amazing life up to the point my husband and I started dating.  I always said I wanted to marry someone that changed my life for the better and gave me a reason to transition from so many amazing things.  

I had the time of my life (I also LOVE my life now) before Matt and I started dating in October of 2009.  I lived with the most amazing women, in the most beautiful home, went to an amazing church, traveled the world, and was truly content. I was romanced by God everyday and really, I have never had standards set or raised in such a way as those few precious years.  

I decided to start walking with God back in 2007. I know a lot of people knew me as a "Christian" before that but lets be honest, I didn't know God at all.  I was good at knowing all of the "religious" things but really had no relationship with Him.  I didn't realize how much He loved me, how much beauty He saw in me, what plans He held for my future, and how He knew my heart.  I was "religious," like probably 90% of America.  But, as this nation has proven, "religion" does nothing for you other than give you a box to check off and a few specific cards to buy at certain times of the year.  There was something much more that God wanted me to know.

Coming to know who Jesus really was, that He is our saviour and one who shows us grace and truth and above all else, forgiveness, radically rocked my world.  My girlfriends thought my standards were high before and then I decided to actually accept Jesus into my life...that is when they skyrocketed.  My friends often ask why I am the only woman who tells them to raise their standards when everyone else tells them to lower them-it is because I have experienced what the Maker of my heart can do when I pray for big things and because of that, how could I ever want anything less for each one of you??? (If you have ever read this blog before, you know how MADLY IN LOVE I am with my husband...and my standards were through the roof for this one).

So here is my wisdom for you:  

1. Find out who God is.  He made you, He knows you, and there is nothing more beautiful in this world than BEING KNOWN. (you can ask me any questions about this) 

2. Get amazing girlfriends. I mean legit, solid, "I want to be like you" girlfriends.  

3. Live with these girls. 


4. Volunteer. No better time to serve others than now. It changed my life dramatically.

5. Seek God for your husband-not the bars, classes, etc. (I tried that: it cost me a lot of money and dignity).  

6. Find a man that you respect more every moment you spend with him.  Men become who you say and feel they are.  Date men that want to be greater men (and men that answer to God, not to man)

7. Don't live with a man, or sleep with him, before you stand before God and your witnesses and vow to love each other and say "NO MATTER WHAT".   I know people think that helps with the chance of not getting a divorce but stats still show that more people get divorced who live together first than people who don't.  This life is about faith and it is high time someone believed that you were the person that they would wait for the skies to fall for.  Sex is awesome-let it be captivated in marriage with your hot husband who said, "I promise to love you no matter what."  

I love knowing that my husband is the only one who has ever fully had all of me (I was 29 when we got married).

I know these are "old-fashioned" but I promise you, it is the loveliest "fashioning" I have ever experienced.

I hope this encourages all of you. I know many don't agree but I say this out of a girl who's heart has experienced real love and who's heart has experienced "something else."  Great love is all encompassing, passionate, sacrificial, all-knowing, "rock my world," sort of love.  


I want our daughters, if we have them, to believe this wholeheartedly. That they are worth it.

Please wait for it and let God romance you and set seemingly impossible standards.  ALL of my "impossibles" came true.  

"With God, all things are possible."  

Amen, sisters.

PS: My hot husband just did this:

And he even made me buy OPI :) If you know me well, you know I don't own one bottle of nail polish (literally, none) and had to go out and buy nail polish remover.  He thought I needed red nails for Christmas and wanted to help me.

Babe- I somehow love you more today than I did yesterday.  Thank you for loving me better than I thought humanly possible.  I love you smuch.

xoxo, Anna N

From a pure heart.

I have been more than honored to know my Little for almost four years (next March).  She is by far the most beautiful 16 year old I have ever encountered and my husband and I are always speaking of how amazing her walk through life is (in the midst of quite a few trials) at such a young age. 

She has all of the things that I desire our children to have: a love for God and a desire to know Him, a seriously deep beauty, conviction, passion, faithfulness (how beautiful in a 16 year old!), and dreams.

Here is something she just wrote that I thought I would share to hopefully encourage each of you "to be more child-like."

Lesley-you are one of the greatest gifts God has ever shown me.  It makes me tear up to think that He brought you into my life because you have entirely blessed and convicted me to live differently.  Thank you.

"All people have dreams they want to achieve or the majority of us do .A few days ago I was laying in bed and I realized how I didn't really know what to do with my life. I strangely sat in my room and started asking god what was my calling.. Surgery was something that I always found interesting.I remember being the age of twelve or thirteen and watching television shows on surgery! I have always been a fan of science. Though I figured that being a surgeon would be cool after becoming one what was I going to do? Later on that night I watched a video called Remember Nhu (www.remembernhu.org).This was my inspiration. As all people's callings should be based upon my heart was calling me to love people and help them. A summery of my dreams/calling.

I want to become a heart surgeon and use all the money to make or support organizations to fight against sex trafficking in other countries.Its horrible how these girls get treated and don't get to choice who they want to lose their virginity to.This is important because they are terribly broken and need god. I then want to buy a house and adopt or at least help all orphans and foster kids and teach them about gods unconditional love. I would rather adopt them all and become their mom but I don't really know.Furthermore I want to build a church or help build one in some other country.Most importantly become and be a women more of god I want to extremely love. 

I know this dream of mine is quite big. Some people even think impossible but with god and ambition nothing is.I've realized it's easier to have ambition for doing something if your doing it for someone else than yourself.In this case I'm doing it for him. I made the LORD almighty a promise a couple weeks ago on making a change in this world and I am going to do so.I am going to try.After all it took 1,OOO tries to finally create a light bulb(:

Now I would dearly love for you to try and live out your dreams.It might be put aside for a while because of family, problems, marriage and children not that any of these things are bad.Its important to know that it's okay as long as you return working on your goals, people after a period of time give up. Achieving them or trying to is what counts."

As Timothy Keller so eloquently states: "No child dreams of sitting in a cubicle when they grow up. They dream of changing the world. There is a mission."

The Harlot-what is our price?

This is from 3.5 years ago and something that still speaks to me.  We can all sell our souls for some price and trust me, just thinking of it in that way will hopefully make you a little more aware to all of the "buyers" in the market.  

The Harlot-what is our price?Sunday, January 27th, 2008

Maybe I will do something lighter next time-

I love books. However, my love is often only for the ones that you can pick up and finish in two days. My attention span is short; if it is not captured in the first chapter the book will go directly to sitting on my night stand with the large collection of “Page 20 somethings.” These are the books that I attempted to get into but stopped reading due to lack of charm, interest, etc. I usually have about five sitting on the stand at a time, secretly hoping that I will one day make it past the first 20 pages. A few of the current Page 20 Somethings include: The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire (700 pages and written in the late 1700s…”gripping” isn’t necessarily the first word that comes to mind), When the Fairy Dust Settles (part of a book club at this time), and The Marshall Plan (a friend wrote this one).

Let me get to the book for which this title is dedicated. The book is called “Redeeming Love” by Francine Collins. I am sure that many of you have heard of it and possibly even read it. I started it at 11pm on Saturday night and finished by Monday morning. If it wasn’t for the fact that I am not that charming on less than six hours of sleep, I would have finished it all the first night.

I am not too sure how to even start the write up because I am still sorting through all of the emotion that I felt by just turning page after page. I hope none of us ever have to experience the heartache necessary to find God’s love that was portrayed so vividly in this book.

Quick summation: Angel was a young girl sold into prostitution after her mother died (her mother was a prostitute as well). She was so hardened that she never cried or even tried to escape. In fact, she often went back to this way of life because it was all that she had known. She was only aware of a place where love was evil and feelings were meant to never be discussed or better yet, felt. The book is modeled after the Bible book, Hosea, in which Hosea is told to marry a prostitute (and keep going back and rescuing her). The man in the book is told by God to go into the brothel and take her out and marry her. He is a strong Christian man and spent years with her rescuing her from the depravity she was drawn back to.

I thought when I started reading this book that I would sympathize with the man, who was always trying to remove someone from all of the hurt of the world (women are fixers). Instead, my heart actually felt what this girl was going through. Oddly, she was a prostitute sold into the industry at the age of eight and had endured her every bone being sold at the cost and pleasure another. And I felt what she felt: to the very core of my being.

I am not a prostitute/harlot/hooker/etc., but I know what it is like to sell myself at the cost of my invaluable dignity.

We have all been a harlot to this world. We have all sold ourselves for some price at the cost of our very soul; hopefully not at the cost of physical abuse and torment at the same time. We all seem to forget that the devil does not walk around with horns on his head, cackling, and leading us into places that are on fire and marked by eternal darkness. He attracts us with shopping malls, lust (at the time the thoughts might include “what does one night matter?”), colorful magazines that not only purchase our thoughts but turn them around into an arsenal for the devil (sex is on at least 9 out of 10 of the covers of the top magazines), and wealth. Wealth will purchase a soul better than all of the others combined. How many happy people have you seen who have had a ton of plastic surgery or what about those driving the new BMW 7 series/Range Rover/etc.? Seriously, go do your own analysis on that one.  The price is way too high.

Where in all of this are we able to keep a pure heart without growing hardened to everyone around us? Where do we gain discretion, wisdom, morale, and standards if that is the last thing that the world has to offer? In fact, the world mocks those attributes more than it frowns upon STDs, open sex and divorce.  I have met many people that have spent years figuring it out on their own and they are still searching, still wanting, still desiring something that they know their soul is yearning for. A seemingly insatiable desire...

The closer I draw to God, the more I realize that He is the ONLY one that can buy us back from this world. I honestly have no idea how people who do not believe in God make it through this world…I consider myself to be personable, determined, independent, etc., and with all of those attributes I couldn’t imagine a world without Him. I don’t go to this world for support because it has never filled me. I can to Forever 21 everyday of my life and will still come home and want more-not because there is anything new but because I was not fulfilled. I can travel the world and experience everything other cultures have to offer and I can still come home and feel alone in my own home.

{*Inserted today: I spent years seeking after men just to have affirmation from a man.  Fortunately, by God's grace, I didn't have a million pursuers and I had to deal more readily with the rejection (which I now consider God's ABUNDANT GRACE-look at my husband :)) than I did with figuring out who to date. I sold myself and often would drink to gain courage just to find myself trying to gain attention from someone in a way that my heart didn't even desire.  I put my soul on the market.  Fortunately, God pulled it off a few years ago and my ENTIRE life changed.  God became my redeemer, not some man.  And through Him being my redeemer, I met the most beautiful, handsome, intelligent, gracious, tender man I have ever, will ever, know.}

I am a harlot (in regards to selling my soul), bought only by Jesus’ death on the cross. The only way he could rescue any of us was to offer 100% forgiveness…99% would leave way too much left to apologize about on a daily basis. I was bought by the blood of Jesus on the cross and I will never understand why He thought I was worth it.

Remaining in wonder I will attempt to live my life knowing that I must honor someone who loves me at the cost of His own life.

Week of lists: What I will always fight for.

This is huge.  All of this is huge. I am tenacious and have lessened over the years but there are certain things that I pray I never stop being passionate about.  And please, if I ever try to justify something and change what is written below because of a situation, PLEASE call me out on it.

So I know a gun doesn't describe fighting super well but you get the picture...PS: I was shooting at basalt rock-tough chick.

PS: For the record, I strongly dislike real fighting (you know, WWF stuff).

Things I will always fight for:

1) Standards. I will always be the girlfriend to tell you to raise your standards. Not the ridiculous ones like, "-make $2M a year, have bright blue eyes/6'4"/Italian, etc" but the real ones: a man worthy of respect, someone you are attracted to, someone who challenges you, someone who will fight for you, someone who sees you as the wonder that God created you to be.  Plus, standards help other people step up and sometimes people want to be told they were/are meant to be something great :)

2) Marriage.  I will always fight for this. Why? It reflects a relationship that God created and because of that it is BEYOND sacred.  Meaning, don't mess with it.  I know my husband and I will experience hard times but I pray you will always fight with me on this (even if I ever start to make situational remarks).  My heart will ALWAYS be for reconciliation.  I have seen the power of forgiveness (read "Same Kind of Different As Me") and I want to experience that beauty throughout my life.  Seriously, go read that book.

3) Forgiveness.  Again, read the book above. True story. Then read this post.

4) Fathers.   Being Fathers. Men, being men.  I meet with four different women who didn't really have fathers and just this last Saturday night I prayed with two different ladies who's fathers are continuing who their fathers were (alcohol and abuse).  Please, if you are a man, make that your goal to be a man of courage and to love your wife and your children as Jesus loves us.  You will change the world through your home.  I have a fantastic dad-but his dad wasn't at all.  My dad changed their legacy.

5) Beauty. I want people to know what this world was created to be and why that crazy desire in our hearts for beauty never ceases and is insatiable.  It penetrates every chasm of our being because we were created as beauty-in the eyes of God. May we never cease to see it: in everything.

What are things that you would fight for?  What statutes do you have that you want others to make sure you maintain, even when the waters are rough?

xoxo, Anna (and baby)

PS: We are 18 weeks! And wow, I can feel this little one! I think our baby is secretly a ninja.

Image.

Image:

I meet with quite a few amazing young ladies and this is something I know I need to post just out of my own experience and hearing each of their hearts. I struggled with an eating disorder for about two years and know the pressure that we can place ourselves under. If you struggle with any issues of self-image or self-worth, please follow these little guidelines for recapturing a right image of one who is made in His likeness:

Things to rid:

1. TV: yes, I said it. I can't tell you how much my life changed when we got rid of TV at my last house (the Bachelorette Pad). It got rid of the constant mirror that I held next to my own to compare myself to anything and everything walking/sitting/catwalking. My husband and I also don't have one now and it means we actually talk and just love on one another (and really like each other more and more). The likelihood of us ever getting one is slim to none after experiencing life without it. That is what actually happens when you get rid of it :)
   
   
2. Magazines: not Martha of course (although my husband would say magazines like that give women a false sense of what is physically possible-good man). I mean magazines such: People/In Touch/US Weekly (you don't know those people...), Vogue/Glamour/Cosmo/Mademoiselle/etc. This was also another step we took at the Bachelorette Pad.
   
   
3. Friends: no, not really get rid of your friends but make sure you are surrounding yourself with people who have a right understanding of who they are (in God's eyes). Surround yourself with people who are encouragers and of course, be one yourself.

Words to rid:

1. “not...enough”
2. “diet”
3. “if only”
4. “but she”
   
   
   Just a few things that changed my life and restored where my beauty lies.
   
   
   xoxo, Anna
   Enjoy the sun/clouds/rain wherever you may be.