Monday, June 04, 2012

Not even ready.

So I follow this blog titled "The Southern Eclectic." She seriously looks like one of those ladies that just pops out cute little people, continues to be a rockstar wife and did I mention-she also has a fashion line.

Well today she posted something that made me feel like she just might be more human :) Possibly. I seriously laughed so hard at this article she found all centered around people thinking they are ready for a wee one.

And I promise you, my daughter is worth all of it.  All of it.  Including the three nights last week where she woke up nearly every hour, on the hour, and then decided to stay awake for three hours of it.  And yes, she is almost four months.  But each day is full of her making me laugh so hard because she squeals, laughs, smiles like no other, etc.

Without further ado, here is the link to the original article and here is the paraphrase.  I promise you, if you are a mother, you will seriously laugh out loud (LOL for the original text messagers, AIMers).

"Look, you're not ready to have a baby. 

You're probably in your late twenties or early thirties, and you've gotten some stuff figured out, and now you're pretty sure you're "almost ready" to have a baby. But a baby is the ultimate, cosmic limit-tester of all ultimate cosmic limits, and no matter what you do to prepare, you will still find yourself thrown for a loop. 

You think you're ready because you have a dog? Ugh, sorry, but no. If you want your dog to help you prepare you for an actual human baby, it only works if you have the worst dog in the universe. It has to be, like, only trainable on Thursdays and it must never eat the first three types of food you offer it. Doesn't sound like any dogs I know! 

If you want to get ready for a baby, take my advice, and do the opposite of fun stuff. I'm not saying babies aren't fun, but it's not the kind of fun for which you need any practice. In fact, if I were selling my own Baby Squad Fitness Program for Actual Baby Readiness, it would come with the following drills/regimen for the entire year prior to conception. (Yes, conception! Yes, a year! Not doing anything fun while already pregnant is not actually all that hard and therefore not true readiness training).

  • Practice wrestling a large, slippery fish three times a week.
  • Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in gibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.
  • Socialize with friends in 18-second increments.
  • Practice asking for the check, boxing up your food and exiting a restaurant in under sixty seconds - two bites into the meal.
  • Watch 38% of any film or television show. Never see the ending or resolution.
  • Read the same three paragraphs of a novel once every two weeks; fall asleep.
  • Shower every three to five days, but only for two minutes.
  • Hire a makeup artist to make you look up to 10 years older. Look at yourself in the mirror, then laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Do not go get a drink
  • Pack two additional bags of random stuff to carry with you every time you leave the house.
  • Stand around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
  • Practice wrestling aforementioned large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish. 
  • Make 24 hours of baby-crying audio. Hit play the moment you take a phone call, fire up your computer, or begin speaking any sentences to another human that contain important or useful information.

I can speak from first-hand experience, all the above only scratches the surface.

But then you realize you have a BABY...and you are a mother...and who cares if you're not ready? It's all worth it."

Epic, huh? And it is ALL true. 

Praise God He gives us ladies something extra during these times because otherwise there might be many, many, many fewer people :)

xoxo, Anna N


  1. Haha oh man this is good! It only gets more true when you have a toddler...though they make up for it with the funny things they say-this morning Bennett said 'toothpaste' except that it came out as 'poostaste' and he just went up to Buckley as he slept and said "tell me a secret." Anyways, this was a good read and is totally true unfortunately!

  2. Ok, Becca's comment was the funniest thing I've read all day. SO good. Thanks for posting this. I feel like a crazy person for WANTING to get pregnant. And now, here I am, 29 weeks in, a tiny foot in my ribcage, feeling reassured that though I am nuts it's in the best way possible.

  3. This is hilarious and SO true, the list kills me!

  4. Had to read this to myself today...just HAD to. One of those days...we should collaborate and come up with our own version. Thanks friend.


Thanks for stopping by! xoxo, A momma and her baby (babies!)