Post-partum depression

I am writing this because I know there are other women out there, or you know someone, who will go through post-partum depression.

It needs to be talked about more so those of us that feel like we hit rock bottom don't think we are alone (I personally feel Satan uses isolation and loneliness to the "T").  So here is a little of my story and hopefully it is edifying and encouraging to at least one of you or to someone you know:

I can't say I was entirely ready to be a mom. My husband and I were totally blessed and were able to get pregnant not too far into our marriage. But, we had been married only 9 months when we found out.  I was never someone dying to have kids, partly because they totally intimidate me and secondly because I knew it wasn't easy.  Nonetheless, we were very thankful and I was super excited to have Matt as my partner for it.

Our dear little girl, Miss Ruth Charlotte, was born on February 8th at 4 o'clock in the afternoon after I had been induced that morning. The labor wasn't awful (I can say that one year after) but I promised at that point to never do it again.  Personally, I would opt to never be induced again but Ruth was moving around so much that I was in a lot of pain so I thought it would be "easier" with her on the other side.

Not so much the case.

The first, and what turned out to be the only, night at the hospital was one of no sleep...and I was quite sore (for those of you who have had an episiotomy you might understand more). Ruth was not a sleeper from the start and actually quite fussy.  I got a total of three hours of sleep in what felt like an old motel room-but my nurses were EXCELLENT so there was the upside.

Needless to say, I thought we would get more sleep at home.

Not. True.  The next six weeks were a collection of 1-2 hour chunks of sleep at night filled with a screaming baby in between, attempting to figure out why she was crying, having struggles breast-feeding (I went to the lactation nurses four times in the first week), and never being able to sleep and when I did have the chance-insomnia kicked in.  The sleep deprivation, which as my mother wisely pointed out is a form of torture, left me waking up sweating and in complete panic multiple times each night.

I was also skinnier than before I got pregnant within three weeks after delivery-all because I barely ate or slept (not recommended for weight loss).

I would have panic attacks and start balling every night when it started getting dark.  I couldn't nap during the day because Ruth would never sleep more than 30 minutes. I couldn't take baths because of the delivery-baths are MY THERAPY.

All of this together left me a total mess. I didn't even know if I wanted to be a mom.  I didn't understand people when they would say, "You must be so in love?!"  I was so heart-broken, not so in love. I was grieving my marriage and the life we had. I was a girl who was always filled with hope and I had no idea how to look forward and believe that things would get better.

My mom HAD to stay the night for six weeks because I was always on the brink of a major breakdown and I absolutely couldn't do it by myself.  I would call her crying at 8pm and she would say, "Are you sure you don't need me?" and through the tears I would say, "I think I will be okay." And she would say, "I am coming over sweetie.  I will be there in 20."

And she was, every night (except for the amazing three nights that Matt's mom helped out). She would get there at 9pm and leave at 5:15am to go to work. Our nights were filled with Ruth getting up 4-5 times, I would feed her, try burping her, change her diaper, and then my mom would try putting the screaming little lady back to sleep.  Between the two of us, we would each get about 4 hours of sleep total/night for six weeks.

It honestly took me until just over a year after to even process through how horribly sad I was.  It took me a long time to even be able to pray again because I felt so alone during that period and felt like God had left me.  I have learned that depression isolates our hearts, manipulates our minds, and tricks us into thinking that no one is with us, not even the One who died on the cross because He loved us so much.  

Here is a list of things that helped me get through it and get out of it-just in case you are this woman or you happen to know someone:

1) Accept help. At all hours. I had girlfriends come and just hold Ruth for an hour so I could try to sleep.

2) Read truth. Read your Bible. Don't listen to the lies. They will destroy your heart and then eventually seep into every other beautiful part of your life. Please know that Satan is real (I have never felt something so real as I did during that period) and he is after your heart and as the verse goes, "He comes to seek, kill and destroy."

3) Sing worship songs. I got quite mad at my mom when she said this but it truly did help.  When you are helplessly depressed it seems like the last thing to do...which means it is probably the first thing to do. If you aren't worshipping Jesus, or even just trying, then you are worshipping a seemingly deplorable situation which will just leave you in a crazy cycle.

4) Find things you love and do them. Baths, coffee, reading, exercising, etc.

5) Ask for help. Again I say this.  You need it. More than you have ever needed it.

6) Pray.  Even if you really don't know Jesus, just say "God help." He does.

7) Don't feel guilt. Guilt and shame are not from God and will not help. Grace and truth are.  Seek these.

I hope this helps even one of you and please know, you are not alone.  It is the hardest job anyone can ever have and it literally takes all of you and then some more.  But it is beautiful.  And now I am overwhelmed by the beauty.  I am grateful because I think this really hard time made this beautiful time exponentially brighter (even in the gray, Oregon, winter months).

Grace and Peace,
Anna N

Summer pregnancy staples: new polyvore addiction

So...about a month ago I signed up for a Polyvore account and then got overly intimidated by the whole thing.  Well, today I decided (while I am supposed to be working out...heading there next) to try it again and hallelujah, my college degree is good for something!

I ordered the two skirts here from Swell and now am admittedly feeling like I wish I was a surfer girl. Naturally, this goes so well with Oregon weather (it is currently a downpour outside).  Also, the sports bra type thing is from Forever 21 and is the best bra I have ever owned-and they are $4.80. Wow.

I am quite excited about this because I actually worked in retail for quite a few years (Ralph Lauren in Aspen and before I was able to sometimes be a buyer for a small boutique in college which allowed me to go the LA Clothing Mart).  As a mom I do think you need some sort of creative outlet and since my sewing machine tends to remind me of the air conditioning unit in Elf, I am choosing the digital creativity instead.

PS: I think I have only purchased five maternity items in all of my brief preggo times.  I really just try to find things that I can use all the time and thankfully, drapey tends to still be in.

Love, Anna

Summer pregnancy staples by annajnorman featuring a sports bra

Billabong beach top, $32 / Swell skirt / Forever 21 sports bra / Steve Madden ankle wrap flat sandals / Flat heels / Jennifer Zeuner cable chain necklace / Bangle jewelry / Element Juniors Tasha Skirt

Disneyland...dreamland

First off, advice for anyone out there who might be considering going to Disneyland at spring break, don't go. It is just even better with a tens of thousands fewer people. There, that is the last I will say about that.

We had a lovely time with both of our families (we missed the Casadys, Kate and Meggie) and the weather couldn't have been more perfect for us Oregonians-high 60s to low 70s.

Highlights:

1) Ruth's expression when she saw Minnie. It was pure joy and shock at the same time.  Life size Minnie!?!?  She wasn't so sure when it came time to get a picture with her.

2) Eating dinner at Naples Pizzeria with both of our families. It was actually quite hard to connect both groups given we were staying on opposite ends of the park and we were working around Ruth's schedule so the two dinners we had were amazing!


3) Cars ride!!!!  Seriously, the fast pass line (just to get a pass) was a 45 minute wait and they were all gone by 9am...crazy. But it was amazing!!!! And it was the only "no preggo" ride that my OB said I could ride :)  I just stared at Screamin' and dreamt of a time I will be able to go on it again (I LOVE rollercoasters).

4) I had nice a conversation with a cast member named Johnnie about his little boy and before you know it, he gave us a 12 person pass to the front of ANY line!  We used it on Nemo (which actually wasn't super exciting).  Still, so awesome and we were so grateful!

5) Matt and I's date night: I have been so desperate for more time with my husband.  Having a kid (and a delightful one) is such a blessing but it definitely alters your marriage. My parents took Ruth one night and we got to eat dinner at the Park, eat ice cream-two scoops for me, get a Disney shirt, watch Fantasmic, and 8 minutes of Dreams Come True (high winds ended it early).  It was so amazing.

 

 

 

 

tears

This last weekend was a huge blessing.  Easter is definitely my favorite holiday-it restores my heart just in knowing that Jesus is so real and is changing the lives of tons of people I know (as well as my own). And that the Author of my story (as long as I let Him), is a million times greater, and more powerful and gracious, than I. Where my eloquence fails, His grace and mercy abound.  And Jesus means forgiveness-which releases anyone who chooses from bitterness and guilt and shame.  And who wouldn't want that???

Onto the singular "tears" word of the title:

I met a gal on Saturday, at the most delightful Easter egg hunt (of which Ruth just ate fruit, smiled and said "hi" to everyone, and fell madly in love with a huge foam pit), who has just gone through a huge change in her life. I knew part of her story because one of my besties has been directly involved.  This lady is beautiful, has four little ones, and has been married 12 years.  Within the first two minutes of speaking with her, I was in tears. And so was she. Beauty overtook us.

Then last night at church, singing a song about Jesus's resurrection, I had to fight back tears that seemed to be drawing my mascara down my face. Multiple times.

Then last week we found out one of our friends, who happens to be besties with one of the gals we do dinner with every Wednesday night, was put on hospice at the age of 30. She has a six month old son. And a husband of only 1.5 years. And I balled. I am crying just typing this.

And that gal, that I wrote of above, is in perfect peace. PERFECT. Hope rules her life and her story (this is her third fight with brain cancer) and Jesus is her everything. She only asked for prayer for her family...not even for her pain.

And I cried more when I read that she wrote that.

And then I thought, one of the most beautiful things about my life is that Jesus gives us hearts that are moved.  And mine, pregnant or not, has rarely ever made it through one day without tearing up-whether it be joy or sorrow.

I pray you know Jesus and you experience His beauty everyday and that you get to live a life that is filled with tears. Because while some are from brokenness, many are from overwhelming beauty and from stories that catch your heart and your soul by surprise and take your life soaring.

The nursery (the first one)

So this is a little late, and I posted it awhile back with no real info, but I figured I should get up the details of Ruth's nursery (which was decorated with us not knowing if it would be a boy or girl) before I start on the next little one's nursery.

I LOVE Ruth's room. It is such a sanctuary and is just pure joy. Maybe it is the colors, maybe it is the dresser, maybe the rug, or maybe just what the room represents. Either way, it delights my soul and I think the room truly matches our little doll so well.

Here is the budget/what we spent as well as the commentary for anyone wondering what to do:

Total Spent: $480

(Thanks to my parents, otherwise you could add $200 onto that)

Paint: $40.   This included paint for the walls and the dresser. The yellow and mint were both Martha Stewart from Home Depot and while I like Martha, her paint is not that great (especially on the dresser).

And PS: our house was built in the 60s so we used the indentations on the wood paneling and that made it quite easy to do the stripes :)

Curtains and pullbacks: $40 from Target-since then we had to add black out curtains so the adorable look is gone.

Dresser/changing table: $150    This was a gem of a find on craigslist. It was seriously in perfect condition-and for you wood lovers, I apologize, because I sanded and painted it :) I searched for "antique buffet." This one was made in the 1950s.

Crib/mattress: $225  (but this was a gift from my amazing parents).  Crib is found here. I am in love.

Shelves in closet and on wall: $52 Ikea. Here and here.  The Antonius baskets were bought on a super sale for $10 each instead of the regular $19.99.

Chair: $69.  Ikea Poang chair with natural colored cushion.  I love the comfort of this chair although I wish it had higher arms (to rest on when you have been up 6 times a night).  Trust me-they may be ugly but Lazy-boys make a lot of sense for a nursing chair.

Nightstand table: $0 (found at a garage sale years ago).

Lamp on dresser and mirror: $0 (found at a garage sale years ago)

Sheepskin rug: $129, Costco (and seriously the best rug EVER). They charge quite a bit for shipping so it is best to find it at a local Costco (they are seasonal).

Lamp on nightstand, mobile and switchplate cover: All Matt's from when he was little :)

Let me know if you have any questions! 

Love, Anna N

Top 10 things about baby

I thought I would follow along with Amanda over at Marshalls Abroad (she is purely perfect-highly recommend reading her blog) regarding some things/updates on this pregnancy!

Here we go!

1. How Far Along: 14.5 weeks! Our little one is about the size of an apple (or pick a similar fruit).  Everything looks super-duper healthy! Hallelujah. Barely showing, only at night, and haven't gained any weight (yet).  

2. Different with another little one:  I am quite sure the lack of weight gain is due to the fact that Ruth would like to eat all of my food. Every time I go to eat anything she says, "Num!". Which is her way of saying, "Please, mommy."  Also, there isn't a lot of downtime with a 13 month old so I often forget I am pregnant.

3. Cravings/Aversions: Strangely, nothing.  Last time I didn't want Mexican food/Chipotle for the first trimester (which is shocking given we had Chipotle at our wedding because I love it that much...and now I think I just talked myself into ordering it for lunch).  

4. Symptoms:  The only real pregnancy symptom I get is going to the bathroom between 5-7 times during the middle of the night...I will take it in place of nausea and sickness and I am so sorry to anyone who gets those symptoms.

5. What I miss: wine :) That's about it.

6. Clothing changes: Nothing maternity yet although I can feel the "thickening" and the jeans getting a smidgeon tighter. I have been on a maxi-skirt kick and hoping it lasts into the summer (I tend to get chubby feet at the end and would rather them be hidden)

7. Sleep: The first trimester was full of mid-morning naps but thankfully that crazy fatigue period is over.

8. Emotions: I think I am still in recovery mode for how different marriage was/is with children.  Marriage is such an amazing thing but only becomes amazing with tons of work and compromise. So yes, so I don't keep dodging the question, my emotions have been a little high and I cry quite easily but nothing too dramatic (don't ask Matt:)).  

9. Boy or Girl? I really don't seem to care! I would love to have another girl so Ruth could have a sister but I am totally in for whatever Jesus has in the works. And yes, we are finding out this time!!!  We didn't with Ruth and it was AMAZING.  Everyone, aside from three people, thought it would be a boy.  I carried high, only out in front, she moved a TON, and I had great skin...and then out pops a little girl!

10. Names? We do have names picked out but will wait to release until we find out who this little one truly is (in regards to boy or girl)

Love, Anna

Pardon the dust...

I am attempting to re-do my blog...the operative word being "attempting."  SEriously-what in the world is "html???" And I never knew all of the shift buttons meant so much (and altered things so greatly).  So please, stand-by. The likelihood rests high in the fact that I will call in professional reinforcements.

In the mean time, please enjoy these few pictures from Ruthie's first trip to the zoo. She was rather unimpressed but at least she almost stayed in her stroller (well for 15 minutes) and seemed to enjoy all of the scenery-although not all that impressed with the animals. One day, baby girl!

PS: How handsome is my husband? I think he is quite.
PPS: Please ignore my momentary lapse of judgement with the brunette hair in the last pic. My senses came to me and after a month I went back to blonde.

Upcoming features will be: a house tour (before/after), nursery budgets and design, and our trip to Disneyland!