Convicting.

I recently saw a note from a little girl to her mother that she wrote hoping her mom would happen to read it.  It will break your heart.

It said: "Mom, in case you happen to read this. Please stop being angry.  Please tell dad why you are mad. Please do it for our family."

In her own little handwriting on her own little pink notebook.  

I know I can be like this sometimes. Wanting only my will and my way and it costing the spirit of my husband and my daughter.  I really dislike that part of myself.  With a passion. I am currently reading through Romans in my Bible and it speaks so much of the flesh and how its desires our purely selfish and not like Jesus at all.  Oh. Do. I. Know. That. Truth. 

Please fight for your families. Pick up a Bible and learn about Jesus and how to be more like Him.  He really is exceptionally counter-cultural and thus insanely breathtaking and captivating.  He is not only my Savior and the one who spoke redemption over my life but also the one who I know can help me to step away from myself and deeply desire to serve others.

Because people are worth it. They are worth us serving them and putting ourselves last. I so hope we can raise Ruth to let other people go in front of her at the grocery store, to be one to get out of her seat when an elderly person/pregnant lady/etc is around, to be one to open the doors, to be one to let others get in front of her on the freeway and then to kindly wave, to genuinely ask "How are you?"..., to bake cookies for others and learn to make meals simply to use it as an instrument to serve.  

We love you little dollie and I apologize if/when my heart is for me and not for our family and for your father and for our Jesus.  May you reflect your Maker and hopefully, more often than not, that will mean you reflect your momma. 

Love, Someone desperately in need of Grace

PS: In case you wonder where the pics of our little family are...

they are on instagram: sotrulylovely

The end of one's self

Do you know how hard it is to die to yourself?  Impossibly difficult.  I mean seriously.  I have a fresh perspective.  I now, through having a baby, realize who Jesus really is and what "death to self" actually means.  And it took all of me to realize it.

We think marriage does that.  Yes, there are hard days, but most of us dressed up in a gorgeous dress, got a pretty ring, and have a few disagreements and moments where we surrender even if we are right and choose the way together, not our own way (for the record, my husband is nearly always right, I learned this early).  But for the most part, you mainly get glimpses and not the full reality...until being a mom comes into the picture.  

If you don't know Him and are a mom, here is a quick connection you now have:  Jesus was God incarnate (meaning the last thing He ever needed to do was to become human, mortal and be beat up, abused, scoffed/mocked, spat upon, etc).  He chose to die for us because of the joy that was set before Him in being able to make us right with God (we are all sinners...well at least I haven't met a perfect person yet:)). And this is where the mom thing comes in:

It is the GREATEST thing in the world. But also the HARDEST.  Truly, in order to be great at it, you have to die to any desires you have and pour EVERYTHING into it. EVERYTHING.  I remember going through labor thinking, "This is the only thing in life I cannot quit."  If you have been through labor (and I was induced...icky), you know what I mean.  It is the worst pain in the world and there is no going back. At all. It's not like you can just say, "I will wait til' tomorrow, k?"

That's Jesus.  He knew the pain He would suffer but knew we were worth it.  WORTH everything. Worth life.

This is how I feel about my daughter.  She cried for two straight hours last night and I was beat.  On the floor crying actually because I had no idea what else to do.  So I started singing, worship music.  She fell asleep.

I died to myself, once again, and her beauty and rest arose from it. Just like what happens when we realize that Jesus alone is the one who died for us and loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. 

It was the end of Himself that led to the abundance we get to live.  And I pray I am the exact same for my daughter. Our daughter. Our beautiful promise of a little girl.  

Ruth Charlotte, you rock. And I promise to continually put you above myself.

I love you, baby girl.  And Jesus loves you more (it seems impossible but I know it to be true).

And to the darling girl in Georgia who emailed me, you blessed my heart beyond measure.  Oh how the God of the universe spoke to me through the encouragement of a 22 year old :)  

Love, Anna N

Not even ready.

So I follow this blog titled "The Southern Eclectic." She seriously looks like one of those ladies that just pops out cute little people, continues to be a rockstar wife and did I mention-she also has a fashion line.

Well today she posted something that made me feel like she just might be more human :) Possibly. I seriously laughed so hard at this article she found all centered around people thinking they are ready for a wee one.

And I promise you, my daughter is worth all of it.  All of it.  Including the three nights last week where she woke up nearly every hour, on the hour, and then decided to stay awake for three hours of it.  And yes, she is almost four months.  But each day is full of her making me laugh so hard because she squeals, laughs, smiles like no other, etc.

Without further ado, here is the link to the original article and here is the paraphrase.  I promise you, if you are a mother, you will seriously laugh out loud (LOL for the original text messagers, AIMers).

"Look, you're not ready to have a baby. 

You're probably in your late twenties or early thirties, and you've gotten some stuff figured out, and now you're pretty sure you're "almost ready" to have a baby. But a baby is the ultimate, cosmic limit-tester of all ultimate cosmic limits, and no matter what you do to prepare, you will still find yourself thrown for a loop. 

You think you're ready because you have a dog? Ugh, sorry, but no. If you want your dog to help you prepare you for an actual human baby, it only works if you have the worst dog in the universe. It has to be, like, only trainable on Thursdays and it must never eat the first three types of food you offer it. Doesn't sound like any dogs I know! 

If you want to get ready for a baby, take my advice, and do the opposite of fun stuff. I'm not saying babies aren't fun, but it's not the kind of fun for which you need any practice. In fact, if I were selling my own Baby Squad Fitness Program for Actual Baby Readiness, it would come with the following drills/regimen for the entire year prior to conception. (Yes, conception! Yes, a year! Not doing anything fun while already pregnant is not actually all that hard and therefore not true readiness training).

• Practice wrestling a large, slippery fish three times a week.
• Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in gibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.
• Socialize with friends in 18-second increments.
• Practice asking for the check, boxing up your food and exiting a restaurant in under sixty seconds - two bites into the meal.
• Watch 38% of any film or television show. Never see the ending or resolution.
• Read the same three paragraphs of a novel once every two weeks; fall asleep.
• Shower every three to five days, but only for two minutes.
• Hire a makeup artist to make you look up to 10 years older. Look at yourself in the mirror, then laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Do not go get a drink
• Pack two additional bags of random stuff to carry with you every time you leave the house.
• Stand around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
• Practice wrestling aforementioned large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish. 
• Make 24 hours of baby-crying audio. Hit play the moment you take a phone call, fire up your computer, or begin speaking any sentences to another human that contain important or useful information.

I can speak from first-hand experience, all the above only scratches the surface.

But then you realize you have a BABY...and you are a mother...and who cares if you're not ready? It's all worth it."

Epic, huh? And it is ALL true. 

Praise God He gives us ladies something extra during these times because otherwise there might be many, many, many fewer people :)

xoxo, Anna N

Obsession and truth

truth:

Things are so much better now.  I mean so much so to the point that I actually cannot seem to remember how awful they were (sleep deprivation is a form of torture as my wise mother pointed out) and now I am already excited to one day, Lord willing, have another wee one.

Mainly because I won't be gripped with fear, anxiety, a feeling of failure, etc.  All these emotions that I truly never experienced before until the first few weeks Ruthie was here.  

Praise Jesus they are all gone. I mean I still don't feel like the world's greatest mom and I will admit to being jealous of her smiling relentlessly at her little frog, aka: Prince Charming (pic below), but things are getting so much better and I actually believe God now when I hear Him say, "You were made for this."

obession:

And I am OBSESSED with her.  I mean those cheeks, those eyes, those expressions, those perfect hands that are getting little rolls at the wrists...I LOVE all of it.  The way she just looks at me when she's is eating-nothing in the world will ever feel like THIS.

I still can't believe God thought up marriage (Awesome) and then topped it off (kind of like adding brownies and snickers and berries to your yogurt..and granola for Erin:)) with babies.

Halle-lujah.

And the grandparents thing-I mean seriously, so THANKFUL for my amazing parents and them babysitting Ruthie twice in the last week (and my mother for staying the night well into Ruthie being six weeks...yep, that's right, six weeks).

She loves this mobile (it was daddy's)

She literally sits in her carseat and just talks and smiles at this little frog (Prince Charming). The cutest thing ever.

Mommy and daddy date night (we redid our first date). I wore the gorgeous Kate Spade necklace hubby got me for my birthday...and a new little frock from H&M.

My view sometimes. Oh. My. Goodness. Cuteness.

Our hottie friends celebrating Dan's birthday (he is the one looking too cool for school...yep, that one).

Off to get my hair "did" and then tonight one of our friends is having a Sader (Passover) meal. So awesome!  We get to hear the story of Jesus so many times this week!

Amen and again, halle-lujah.

xoxo, Anna

PPS: I am on instagram as sotrulylovely (I LOVE it)

Thanksgiving and truth.

It is official. Blogging is not my "gig." 

I am always torn between what a blog is even supposed to be for. I truly feel that WHATEVER I do: whether it be writing, speaking, eating, etc. is all supposed to honor God and encourage others through that. I haven't felt like much of an encourager lately as the home project was (as always) quite a bit larger than we anticipated and most of the time that I used to spend with others has been moved to getting the home put together.

But, God has brought many people into our lives lately that are in the midst of stories of divorce, betrayal, abuse, and just the pains of a broken world. 

Hence, when it comes to writing, here is the honest truth of what I would like to write about in very vivid ways:

1) Divorce is not better for children. Divorce sucks. The word itself means "death."

2) Our generation is a generation of quitters (and the generation preceding it).

I asked a 92 year old women who had been married 67 years what the secret was to their marriage.  She said, "Honey, when I was your age, quitting wasn't an option."

3) Fathers need to be fathers and mothers need to be mothers. Period. Children are in desperate need of their parents.

4) This world is in desperate/deep need of knowing Jesus and His forgiveness and knowing grace/mercy/peace/hope/love and that maybe ALL of this does matter.

5) Redemption is possible.  Healing is possible.  Life after abuse is more than possible.

6) The beauty of what God does in a woman's body in creating a baby.  There is no other possible way, other than through Him, that our little one will come into this world.  Halle-lujah.  I am not the one telling my cells to replicate, differentiate, multiply, etc.

Pictures of the remodel are coming! 

My husband just happens to be able to do plumbing, electrical, construction which is a huge blessing (but also takes up A LOT of time).  So blessed by him.

PS: Me at 6.5 months.  Might I mention the things I love: my leggings, UGGs, Helly Hansen jacket, and forever 21 tank tops.

I apologize, but you will cry.

This is such a crazy story and one that speaks of how magnanimous one can be with knowing who Jesus is.  This is in a nutshell, what I believe.

Again, you will cry, just warning you.

Let me preface, I changed the names but the story is true, very true.  We know this family. The man that the story is about is going to visit the man who was convicted for murdering his daughter a few years ago.  

"Thursday, 4/21:  Joe and his band of 5 worship-warriors drove 4 hours to the a Umatilla Prison, arriving just before 1pm.  Joe has never been in a prison before (go figure).  So this part alone was a new experience.  He eventually landed in a room specifically prepared for this visit.  He was seated beside the Visitor Processor, Karen.  Karen was skeptical and rather cynically asked Joe “what do you intend to say and what do you expect to get out of this?”  Joe expressed that he did not know, just that he prayed God would prepare his heart, and Kevin's, for this meeting.  Kevin was to sit across from Joe and a captain-ranked guard was assigned to be standing behind Kevin for the 1 hour that they were allotted together – 1:30-2:30pm.  There were windows looking out into the hallway & Joe saw Kevin approaching at 1:30.  Their eyes met and then Kevin turned and went the other way.  Joe prayed “Father…we’ve come this far…please”.  He then saw Kevin returning, he entered the room, Joe stood and shook his hand and thanked him for agreeing to meet.  After a few awkward moments, Joe simply engaged him in conversation as he would anyone he was attempting to get to know.  Kevin told of his life. 

Joe then asked if Kevin had any questions of him.  Kevin looked down and began crying and asked “How could you have been so kind to me that day of testifying in court?”  He was referring to 2 years ago at the sentencing phase of the trial, when Joe, through tears, faced Kevin and spoke directly to him...expressed that he had forgiven him, held no bitterness toward him, told him that he would have to, one day, stand before the Ultimate Judge and that he hopes someday Kevin will fall on his knees and ask God's forgiveness (remember, Kevin still denies he did this to this day).  That day, 2 years ago, he reminded Kevin that he will spend eternity on one side or the other.  Kevin's question yesterday opened up the gates of Heaven for Joe to share the redeeming love and forgiveness that Jesus has given Joe through his journey.  He was able to share his testimony in brief and through it all they were both weeping.  He made it very clear that it was Jesus – not himself – that was able to offer that kind of forgiveness.  He was able to tell Kevin that there were 5 men praying just outside the gates and that there were literally 100’s of people praying right now throughout Portland.  Joe then asked Kevin how he could pray for him.  He wanted prayer for his 15 year old daughter, Lucy.  So, Joe prayed for protection and deliverance for Lucy, as well as for Kevin.  Joe was able to share stories of how God has used this tragedy to comfort so many others.  At one point, through tears, Kevin leaned forward and actually said “I AM SO SORRY”.  He was respectful and exclaimed to Joe “You are the most courageous man I have ever met…I don’t know how you can do this”.  Once again, Kevin was told…”it’s not me, it’s Jesus”.  Kevin's last question to Joe was “what’s your favorite book of the Bible?”  How random, from a man with no religious background.  They then discussed the book of Nehemiah.

At 2:30 their meeting was over and Kevin was escorted out.  Karen turned to Joe and exclaimed “that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen”.  The guard then returned to the room and also exclaimed “that was amazing…I’ve never seen anything like that in here”.  The guard said that, once out in the hall, Kevin completely broke down weeping and it took several minutes to recompose so that he could enter back into the common area.  It would not be good to enter vulnerably in tears.  The guard also shared with Joe about the loss of his own son in a shooting 3 years ago. 

Joe went in with no agenda, no expectations…just being obedient to God’s call to “go”.  God came crashing in and revealed his amazing love & forgiveness available to all mankind. 

How’s THAT for an Easter story!? "

Crazy, huh?